A Heart Of Darkness

Posted on Instagram on August 21, 2019

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” (Jung)
🖤
One week and three days ago, this hand was holding the warm, trusting body of a baby swift - and just a few hours later, this hand was holding a tiny, cold feathered body.
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One week and three days ago was the day that I started my new meds therapy.
The weeks that lead to it where heavy, between feeling not understood, scared by change, trapped in the old cycle.
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When I found the little bird, in that exact day, I thought to myself it was a sign.
I was told his wings were too short to fly, because he was too young. Maybe he fell from the nest.
I found him crawling in front of my door, little tail up, trying to move using his wings and legs.
His tiny heart hammering.
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I thought to myself, this is my sign. I am scared to take the meds, but I have to trust that even if I fall someone will catch me and help me. That there is help for me. That everything will be fine.
The following hours were spent finding someone to rescue him, keeping him safe and as comfortable as I could.
Phone call after phone call after phone call, fierce in my determination to give him a chance in life.
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When he died I had just found someone to take him.
When he died I could not tell myself it was a sign that all would be fine, because it didn't for him.
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I buried his body under the young apple tree.
I ran home and swallowed the first pill.
Because something told me that all I invested to help him - I have to invest it on my own self as well.
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As I write my head is dropping and my limbs are heavy. Meds are already helping me a little but my body is in no way adjusted to them.
It will take time.
It will take time to be a busy bee again, because my energy level is so low.
But I am here. Still fighting. Still trusting.
Still learning to face my own darkness instead of running away from it. 🖤

All of my pain - All of my hope

Posted on Instagram on July 31, 2019

"Where have you been, Alice?".
Down the rabbit hole again, I guess.
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The heatwave was cruel. It messes up with my head, the extreme heat.
Then I had the chance of meeting a new psychiatrist. I was on my own since 2 years, since mine left town.
Happy about the support? Yes.
Terrified about the (needed) change in therapy? Hell, yes!
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Cue expected anxiety and rise in OCD.
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Then the house of cards that is my family equilibrium fell and everybody was suddenly too sick of me having, "out of the blue", issues with the most basic things.
Part of the therapy is to learn that other people have right to their emotions too.
Part of the therapy is not to expect others to tell me that I am good enough, to see it for myself.
Still...when you feel face flat on the ground, it isn't the most pleasant thing to hear all of your faults and failures and not a mention of your worth.
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I felt desperate. I felt depressed actually. It's been a while.
It's been a while since I questioned the point of my being on this planet.
Luckily I am different from a few years ago, and I reacted differently. Actually, I reacted. I have healthier coping mechanisms.
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Every time I feel down, in a depressed kind of way, a junebug will find its way inside my home. Fly around me. Poke me on the head. Rest on my body.
Every. Time.
And the beloved junebugs didn't fail me this time as well, for three days they visited.
I see a lot in them.
I see their fragile wings protected by the most beautiful rainbow armor.
I see them as flying warriors.
And then, they belong to the beetles family, and their lesson is also about how to literally deal with your shit and make good of it. Use it, rise from it.
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I supported my broken fearful heart these days with so much silence, so much fight to gain back some of the important things - eat, wash yourself, let someone go grocery shopping, sleep - and so much time bent over the bench, crafting these junebug amulets.
And layering them all on me...
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Grateful for the long hours spent carving tiny legs, delicate lines.
And in the process, finding at least one tiny reason to stay on this planet: this art of mine. 🖤
All love.

Dragon eye

Posted on Instagram on July 20, 2019

Today's work greatly reflects my mood.
Unstable. Definitely not grounded. Blurred around the edges.
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I went to work, excited at the idea of trying more overlaying of stones and shell, happy to make a new dragon's eye.
Happy to know I would be in that almost sacred space that allows my mind to focus on art instead of the flurry of fearful thoughts.
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I chose a smoky quartz - because it's beautiful and it's a grounding stone and, oh Lord, I need grounding today.
Yesterday I used abalone below the stone, today I gave it a try with mother of pearl. I could find a spot that had an almost pupil shape, and it was decided.
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I thought I would make a ring.
I also decided to try a different way of layering and forming the silver around the eye.
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Something went ok, something went wrong, but in a way that worked better, so I don't complain.
And half way through it I realized this was not a ring. Heh. Pendant be it, then!
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I wasn't in the mood for symmetry. I never am much, but today less than usual.
So this eye turned out much more organic than the others. And it's ok, it works. It almost feels like a pebble, with its borders and valleys.
There is no dragon drawing in the back.
There is some scratching.
Because in between the layers of anxiety and fear and tiredness and emotions I can't even name, there is a whisper of anger, and I wanted to honour it...I imagined the dragon's talons, scratching the metal.
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It's warming up again. My mind associates it with the two weeks I went through lately, with extreme heat and panic attacks.
Rationally, I know the cause for the whole thing wasn't the weather alone. But my mind won't catch up. My mind is all "omg heat omg panic again!!". Not useful, mind, not useful.
So here I am, feeling. Feeling the sensations and trying to ride them. Ride the Dragon.
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And in the late afternoon I went to the trees - where I took the pictures - and asked for relief and asked for calm.
Too many mosquitoes for calm, but the trees never fail to deliver love, at least ❤️

The Water Dragon Eye

Posted on Instagram on July 19, 2019

"When life places stones in your path, be the water. A persistent drop of water will wear away even the hardest stone."
(Autumn Morning Star)
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Still working on a different relationship with anxiety and fears, while working on these dragon pieces.
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Today I was thinking about what my therapist always tells me - the anxiety is like a wave, don't fight it, let it ebb and flow.
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One of my jewelry heroes, @flannerygrace sometimes puts abalone under transparent or semi transparent gems, and I always thought how beautiful it was - but, despite my placing all the things under stones (snake skin and fur and water and tears and whatever) it never happened that I tried that technique.
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Today I was choosing between an abalone - for the water - while also playing with a few rutile quartzes just because I liked their light.
The quartz cabochon slipped and fell on the abalone slice, that was upside down. And it fell right how you see it here: with that dark natural line of the abalone straight in the middle of it.
A perfect dragon eye pupil.
How could I miss the chance?
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So, even if I was mildly worried as I never did this before, I cut the abalone and made the piece and kept my fingers crossed 🤣
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I love the result.
It's almost impossible to make it justice with pictures (I will post a video shortly!), but I can tell you I just keep gazing at it, moving it and enjoying every single color that shines through.
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Who knows, maybe someday I will be able to look at my thoughts like that, observing and being curious about them, without letting them drag me around and drown me?
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Sterling and fine silver, hand carved, with a hand drawn water dragon in the back.
Abalone and Rutile Quartz.

The Eye Of The Dragon

Posted on Instagram on July 18, 2019

And another high anxiety day.
I had gotten used to that low, manageable anxiety, you know?
I didn't like it, but I kind of could live with it.
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These days are challenging me.
And once again I found refuge in my art, thankful for the not too hot weather that allowed me to work with silver.
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The theme is once again to try and develop a different relationship with anxiety, and to imagine the rush of adrenaline-emotions-symptoms as riding a Dragon...scary yes, not necessarily terrible.
Does it make sense? 🤣
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I cherished myself with this piece. A purple labradorite that I hoarded for ages.
A touch of 24k gold.
And the long hours spent lost in carving each tiny line, each scale.
That focus that is able to bring me to another place, to quiet my mind at least a little.
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The result is this magical eye, with a dragon carved in the back.
With a pleasant weight, a stone that you can spend hours gazing into...I love it. I love to hold it in my hand. .
One of a kind, made of sterling and fine silver with two little balls of 24k gold, purple labradorite.