Holy mother

Posted on Instagram on May 19, 2018

"I am so close, you can't see me. I am so much a part of you, you can not call my name. But I am with you. I am with you in the shadows. I
am with you on the rough edges, the paper thin cuts, the dark tunnels, the dry deserts, the burnt out places, the wounds too deep to reach.
I am with you there, in the unsolvable, the unlovable, the holy regret. I am with you in the grandest mistake and the missed opportunity. I
walk with you through your past, kicking over stones. I walk with you into the future, an unknown land. I sit with you now, wherever you
are. I do not leave or falter. When you think you can not hear me, close your eyes. When you think you can not feel me, breathe. When you
think you are alone, lie back. Open your mouth. Taste the love that pours slow and rich like honey, an unending supply."
(Lori-Lyn Hurley, Mornings with Mary @lorilyn)
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I could say so much about this one. I could talk about a childhood love for the sweet statue of Mary in my town's church. Of May evenings with my old aunts and their old lady friends, praying the rosary, the only child.
I could talk of years spent refusing it all. Christian patriarchal stuff, angels and Mary along with it, all closed in a corner and rebelled against.
Of how I wanted to be respected as a woman, yet despised women.
I could talk of a dark dark night of the soul - of dark dark days, and of how I passed hours of panic saying the "Salve Regina" in Latin, words learned during these long gone May evenings with a rosary chain in my childhood's hands.
I could tell you how I ended up claiming it back, my sweet Mary, my Holy Mother, past the what the priests would tell me, past the patriarchy, past the rulebooks - claiming back the sacred feminine, how I see it, how I feel it, how I need it, too.
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How I find refuge in her often, how I let myself sink in her open arms and let her embrace comfort me.
Without words. Without rules. Without holy books written by men. Without priests. Without someone approving of how I decide to do it - to live my relationship with her.
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How by doing this I claim back a piece of myself. How I go one step closer to being whole.
Always, all ways, all love

Lightkeeper

Posted on Instagram on May 11, 2018

Yesterday darkness came upon me like some fierce, relentless creature, tearing wounds open, summoning salty tears. The abyss staring back at me as I could not keep my eyes away from it.
Panic. Pain. Hopelessness.
"Will it always be this hard? Will I keep falling heavy like this, every time I think I may be doing better?".
Thoughts of giving up on life.
Thoughts of killing myself to rid the others of the burden that I am.
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Pain. Pain. Pain. Bone shattering panic blooming from a subterranean absolute emotional discomfort.
Resistance to it all. Muted screams.
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Talking with my therapist. Truth hurts. Hearing her suggestion on what I should do - being terrified of it, yet knowing I must trust her.
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And so I stood there with my discomfort. NOT wanting to feel it, yet feeling it. Opening the heart to the wisdom I know is there, if I only listen.
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One of the first kind of talismans I made, years ago, was the clear Quartz point, wrapped in knotted thread. Soul light for those lost in their darkness. To me quartz has always this presence - magical weapon of light. Something you could hold up to shed light while in a dark cave.
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Yesterday I remembered these first talismans and I saw the Light Keeper Doll.
The one who holds your hand while you are in the dark and you are so terrified you can't even talk.
Today I created her. While finding my strength. While facing a challenge that scared me shitless. And she sang me closer to Home.
As I gave her shape, assisted by five of her sisters - only half shaped, these, still waiting for their final form, yet so present and wise.
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This is what I have learned. That you can't take away the darkness, but you can bring the light in. And that this is the song that sings you back to yourself. .
This is the compassionate, strong, loving, hug-giving and no-need-for-words understanding one. For those who are walking with and through their shadow.
For those who feel weak knees and weary bones and shaky limbs. Who lay on floors to remember how to breathe. Who feel like they are held only by a thin thin thread.
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May she sing you back to hope. To yourself. To Home.
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All love 💙

That is it

Posted on Instagram on May 8, 2018

Today I was off. It's been a while, actually. Even before the death in the family, I was feeling a bit off.
Not in my body fully. Not really present, often. Not slipping easily at all in a meditative state.
Not that to meditate comes easy to me - and I understand it's like this for many.
A while ago I read words from @robin.soyala that hit me, that made me know - remember - that it doesn't have to be that hard. That complicated.
But I forgot. The wisdom slipped away in the busy days and busy mind and busy tearing down of resistances and building of a new self.
This morning I did some yoga in the backyard with the daisies, and then I lay there, just breathing. Usually that contact with the earth almost instantly grounds me, puts me at ease and revives my stuck Root chakra.
Not today.
And I didn't like it. My mind started to work, worry, what's wrong with you, what's up, what what how why.
And Robin's words came back to me like a flash of sweet light.
And with them, the image of this amulet, to remind me of this simple important wisdom.
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With her permission, I will copy them here for you:
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"I want to write about the day i was talking practice with a kindred soul and i asked, “does it ever just feel so easy to let go of the outline and be in it that you think you’re cheating?” and we laughed together.
I want to write about asking a collaborator the other day how she felt about meditation, not great, and then inviting her at the end of our session to just drop her awareness down to her deep belly and feel there. that’s all. practice. and she sighed, “that is it? i like that.” (words by @robin.soyala)
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For me, to make jewelry is first an act of medicine and prayer. It's to build tools to help me navigate life.
This pendant is the wisdom of Robin's words made metal:
The round deep belly - drop your awareness there.
The flower at the bottom for me works as a reminder to soften. I often clench, and to let go I think of a flower opening.
A little thing to keep with me always, so that I will see it often during my day and just remember - that yes, that is it. 💙

Embrace rings

Posted on April 22, 2018

I had two rough days.
I was anxious - I was having more obsessive compulsive thoughts - and fears about... Well, everything.
The therapy work has unearthed parts of me that had been pushed down. Like the one that feels anger - the one that I usually shut up and that would scream in panic.
I was taught anger is bad. When you get angry and tell people you are angry and why, bad things happen.
So there I was.
Resisting.
I don't want to feel this fear.
I don't want to feel this knot of tears in my throat.
I don't want to need to wash my hands again and again.
I don't want this part of me that is angry.
I don't want this part of me that is screaming.
I don't want this part of me that feels insecure.
I don't want this part of me that feels out of place.
I don't want this part of me that feels too many bad things happen and she has no idea how to survive.
I don't want this part of me that is hating everybody and only wants to be alone - I don't want to not be able to be alone.
I don't want to feel this raging storm.
I don't want.
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And I took heavy gauge wire and the anvil and the hammers and just hammered and melted and hammered and filed. Scraped my hands. Felt the pain from pushing and pulling.
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And I knew all along that the only thing I can do - the only good thing I can do - is to take all these parts of me and accept them.
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To embrace what in me is scraped, broken and mended - or still broken. Maybe forever broken. What is rough. What is darkened and reveals its light only at times. What is simply dark and is still needed in order to see the light. What is shaped by life. What is awkward. Fragile. Apparently too strong. Not fitting in. Not polished enough.
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And these rings are the result.
They have the word "embrace" stamped on the inside, and they are rough, perfectly imperfect, dark and scratched and polished in some spots.
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They are for me, and they are for you.
And while I usually don't take commissions, I will happily take some for these rings, because this is important, because I feel too many of us walk around feeling just like this.
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Thankyou for reading 💙 always love

Sacred Heart ring

Posted on Instagram on April 22, 2018

I need what is desperate for life.
What burns of desire for expansion and ascension.
The cracking open of seeds, the unfolding of blooms. The push of buds.
I need the roots pulling up life force, and the branches grasping impossible skies.
I need the trees and the vines.
The lush foliage and the shrubs with thorns grabbing my legs as I walk.
I need vast landscapes of fierce, natural lust - fields and forests and mountains big enough to contain the fire that screams in this heart of mine.